Evolution: the art of evolving.
I am not sure if that is in a dictionary anywhere but it is my short and simple definition. I have noticed that as Charles and I have walked this journey with Katie Grace…we have evolved. We have changed our outlook on life……we have changed our beliefs…we have changed as people. We have been angry, we have been sad (really sad), we have found forgiveness, for others and ourselves. We are constantly changing.
It’s like the farther we get, the greater revelation we have and in a way the more we evolve.
We have always struggled with the curse that was spoken over us. How did this curse play in our daughters brain damage? When everything first happened we just dug down and said….we don’t know. Then we went through this season of where we thought we could have stopped it. And today, we find ourselves in this place where we know…beyond a shadow of a doubt. That word curse holds no power.
You see…what happened to Katie Grace could have happened to anybody….anywhere. It just so happens that it happened to us. And we do as parents have some kind of responsibility because we have to make choices for our children. And Charles and I have to take ownership of the fact that we were blinded by our brokenness. We had walked away from a controlling and manipulative environment, and our healing had just begun. There were mindsets we still had and beliefs that we still had that left us blinded. That blindness does play a part in what happened with Katie Grace. There were lots of things to consider with Katie Grace and her birth. Had I been able to look back on Isaac birth with more healed eyes…it is possible Charles and I would have made a different decision then we did with Katie Grace. But we didn’t.
Now please don’t hear victim it’s all my fault because that is not what I am saying. What happened with Katie Grace is sad and as parents we are responsible. Not because we were negligent or at fault but because we are her parents and that makes us responsible. I think as healthy parents we have to own that without any guilt.
The beautiful thing about this life and life with the Lord, is there is always redemption. Our heavenly Father is not up in heaven going “oh no. Poor decision making skills. Life is going to suck for you.” He is up there wrapping his huge loving arms around us saying “Oh no this hurts so bad. I am so sorry. Here is how to take these lemons and make lemonade. Oh and have I told you how much I love you. And how precious and amazing this girl is.” That is what he is doing. That is how he redeems. Here take this horrible thing that happens in this carnal world and make it good. Make it gold. Make it something that changes you and makes you better so that as you continue on in life…others can see and be touched.
Our daughter does not have brain damage because we left a man who wanted my husband and I to obey his every command. It is not because we walked away from fear and control. Our daughter is brain damaged because we live in a carnal and human world where things happen that are sad and tragic. Where Charles and I as her parents were blinded in our decision making in our humaness and it made room for a sad thing to happen. It is not our fault our daughter has brain damage. It is our fault that is doing as good as she is. It is our fault that she has changed our lives. It is our fault that our hearts and minds have been opened and changed. It is our fault that we have thrown ourselves in our Heavenly Fathers arms and become better people. It is our fault that we have evolved.
I have nothing to fear. No word curse. No decision making. The power of the curse at the time was here you have nothing to fear if you just do what you are told. You won’t be in any danger….nothing bad will ever happen to you. As long as you stay in this place of being controlled. Except that something dangerous was already happening. Something bad was already happening. I was giving my power away because I was afraid of pain. I was giving it away for a lie. I was already and always in pain there. Being controlled didn’t take that away. Calling control love…did not take that away
Living life has taken that away. Making decision and being responsible for them. Embracing my mistakes and letting love in anyway…has taken that away. Having my daughter and all that has come with her….has taken it away. Letting the Lord come in and show me how to make lemonade….and how much he loves me…has taken it away.
I fear no word curse. I fear no man. I have evolved.