Crawling into bed tonight I stopped to take a few minutes to just stare at my sweet baby girl. There is just something about babies all snuggled in bed that makes the world seem perfect.
I stood there over her crib…brushed my fingers through her fine red hair and just stared into those greenish hazelish eyes that should have been closed but weren’t. I wondered what she was thinking… What thoughts were racing through her mind. Then this thought randomly hit me. When her baby sister is in the room I wonder if their spirits are going to run and play together while we sleep?
This would be an amazing way to announce a pregnancy but this is not an pregnancy announcement. I am not anywhere near pregnant. It’s not that we haven’t talked about it, we have and we for sure want more. We are waiting though.
It was just a different thought, to think of your children knowing each other more in the spiritual the the physical. Like does Katie Grace already know her siblings? The ones to come. Does she run in the heavenly fields with them? Do they play hide n go seek with Jesus? Do they laugh with each other and do each others hair as they would here on earth? Does she have more brothers?
As I type these questions, I can hear this voice inside of me…it says of course they do. Of course she knows…she is already whispering to them the secrets of their Momma’s heart. Your other children already see you through the eyes of love Katie grace see’s you through. She is also an older sister.
Then if that is true that makes me wonder does her heart hurt that she can’t be here like normal siblings do? Does she look at Isaac and ache to hold him? Ache to be able to connect with him? To hold his gaze? To show her delight in him? Would it be hard for her to have more siblings and not be able to express her heart?
Are all of these questions real in way? Or are they just the ramblings of a tired momma who got lost in the eyes of her extraordinary child?
I just wonder.
It’s times like these that I wish I could make myself incredibly small so I could walk the insides of my daughter. That I could travel through the venues of her heart and know all the nooks and crannies. So that when I get lost in her eyes again… I could walk away knowing instead of wondering.