Laying here in the dark listening to my sweet husband try to snore off a cold…I can finally let the feelings come over me. Feelings I didn’t know I wasn’t feeling.
The feelings of grief. That sadness that comes when you lose something or somebody you love. You see I no longer have my nurses. Not like I won’t have anymore but in the last 8 months or so I have lost my Ellie. The first nurse who stepped into our lives and became a beacon of hope for us. She helped us stabilize Katie Grace. She let me nap in the afternoon. She brought Isaac a fruit drink almost every morning that she came to work. She ironed Charles clothes. She overheard our fights and loved us anyway. She brainstormed with me about KG’s care. She became a part of us in a way we couldn’t possibly have known. She was that part of Jesus who carries you on the beach in the hardest of times.
And I just lost my Alana. A firecracker who loved life and my daughter. Alana came in and just made things better. She could fill in all my gaps. And when she would see me a little run down she would do things like clean Isaac’s room, tidy my living room or reorganize my towels. She handled so much of KG’s care…it just made things easy. And she was easy to talk to and just fit with my family.
I miss them! I miss what they brought to our lives. I miss how they loved my daughter. I miss our random talks and girl rant sessions. I miss our what is KG doing rant sessions. We cried together and laughed together and sometimes we faced possible death together.
And tonight my heart mourns the loss of their presence in our lives. I mourn my everyday interaction with them.
In home medical care is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is one of the most intimate businesses I have ever known. These people come in as strangers and become a part of your family in the wildest way.
To all you nurses who love families as if they were your own. Thank you! Thank you for giving and worrying and loving and caring. You have changed lives in ways that there are no words for!
Thank you Ellie and Alana…we wouldn’t be where we are today without you!
This is one part of this journey I wasn’t prepared for.
Tonight my heart will mourn. Tomorrow we will carry on though and know that the great thing about mourning is that it means you have something to be grateful about!!