I sat in my kitchen after dinner and ate about 10 saltine crackers lathered with butter; which is basically like spooning white flour into my mouth and then swallowing it down with a bite of a butter stick. A full of salt butter stick I might add and I don’t feel bad at all. Matter of fact my flesh has this warm fuzzy feeling all over…I mean my stomach feels like there is lead just sitting in there but the rest of me feels better.
I wish I could say that my emotions felt better but they don’;t and lets be honest, that what I was really trying to fix with my saltine and crackers tidbit.
I do that. That emotional eating thing. Sometimes I am on top of it and I drink water instead. More often then not though, I just indulge in some kind of morsel that I think will bring a moment of peace to the ache that sits in my heart. Maybe one day I won’t but until then….I have my saltine crackers and butter.
What brought upon this after dinner bite you ask?
A thing called super natural reconciliation.
What is that you ask?
I am not sure yet. That is what I am process of finding out. You see, I am not good at being at odds with people or situations. I don’t mind disagreements, or conflict because I love reconciliation. And at the end of everything you have a chance to learn something about you and about whoever you had a conflict with, and anytime we learn we become better. We become people of a higher quality. I like that.
However life isn’t that tidy. There are people who don’t want reconciliation. Instead they hide away in insecurity, anger and fear. They cling to their own perspective afraid of what they will lose if they open the door to another’s view point. Just as though if they agreed to another perspective their world would fall to pieces and they would breathe their last breathe. If they don’t hide, they throw out a fake apology as to shut down the situation and wedge in a false reconciliation. I don’t like that.
I have a standing situation that I can not reconcile. (well I really have two but one led me to the other so you know.) I haven’t been able to for years. I have tried forgiveness (sadly that didn’t last long), I have tried completely disowning all things associated with the person, I have tried embracing whatever we had that could be shaped into a form of relationship, and yet down in the depths of who I am is this standing damage. A damage that I can’t get through to reconcile, and a damage they are unwilling to own.
I see places in my life where the toll of the damage separates me from people I love the most. Where it has built a mistrust deep within that holds me back from fully falling into the sweetness of some relationships. I see where the damage holds me back just enough so that I can’t fully believe in all that God has for me. Quite possibly, I could miss the depths and widths of the call that God has for me.
So I stand here aching, and bellowing out to the Lord for reconciliation. Supernatural reconciliation. I want to walk through it with the Lord. I want to touch it like I was reaching out and touching the physical face of that Father….lost in the wonder of the feel of his skin, fascinated by the lines on his face, and engrossed by every sensation. I want it to be that real. To have the revelation fall so deep and powerfully about me that I don’t know how to do anything else. That never again do I get stuck in the pain of relational discord, or damaged so much I can’t find home.
Right now I have no grid for what that looks like. My mind can’t even begin to envision it…..but I want it. I want it so bad it hurts more then the damage.
And surely my body can not handle much more saltine crackers and butter.
So rain down revelation! Rain down on this hungry heart!