Walls

When you run, you hit walls.  I am sure you have heard about them. There is really no way around the wall. You have to make a decision, hunker down and just keep running.  When I hit walls on my long runs, I like to count.  I don’t know why, I basically don’t prefer any kind of mathematically anything, I actually don’t really prefer numbers. I am more of a language person.  However…when I run and I hit that wall, I place my eyes on a point in the road, hunker down and I count.  1 number for every 2 steps.  I count to 50 which is really 100 and then I start over.  And…I…just….keep….moving!  1….2….3…4….5…

The wall passes and I before I know it, I am through it. 

Learning to live while running with Katie Grace, I hit walls.  I hit one this week.  We are leaving tomorrow in the morning, and she has been nursing a 103 degree temperature all week.  This mini weekend vacation will be a first for our family.  It will be the longest that Katie Grace is away from home, that doesn’t include hospital walls.  Charles and I kind of generally know that whatever we plan might not happen.  It is a overall truth with kids, add brain damage and it increase the probability by like a million.  All week we have been counting.  Okay…let’s see what Monday looks like (…1).  Tuesday fever (….2). Let’s see what Wednesday hold’s before we make a decision (…3)  Fever in the morning but no fever in the afternoon (….4) oh just kidding fever in the late afternoon (….5)

And last night Charles and I had to face the fact that our first ever family mini vacation might not happen.  I would love to say that I sat in bed like a full-grown person and rationally talked to him about it.  However, it didn’t happen.  It looked more like this:

“Babe, I am afraid…”

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“I know but I am afraid she…”

“Shutup”

” I know it’s sad but she isn’t…”

“I really don’t want you to say it”

“I know but we have to talk about it..”

“No we don’t.”

I came around after another round but I don’t prefer this part of living while running. It’s the possible disappointment that breaks the heart.  The being excited for and preparing to do life with those you love; then to see it just slowly possibly disappear and again your family has to do a fun thing separated unable to share in the joy’s and fun of life together.  I guess more then the heart it breaks the resolve to run.  It says just stay home, stay sterile, stay alive.  Lay down to disappointment and hopelessness.

We can’t though. A resolve has grown inside of us. This relentlessness that says….1…..2….3….4….5. In this moment while we are running together Katie Grace needs us to  be her strength. She needs us to count each step, to deny the want to lay down.  She requires us to sit in bed, two separate beings, speaking two different view points, strong enough to come together to become an undividable wall.  

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