A letter to my daughter,

Dear Katie Grace,

It’s Thursday, daughter. It’s Thursday….and it seems like I have been fighting this day since you joined this earthly place almost four years ago. I have had moments of triumph and just as many moments of loss. At the end of the day…especially today….it appears as if Thursday is winning.

You see daughter, this is the day that I miss you the most. The day my heart longs for the whole of you the most. I think about what it would be like to carry you in my arms as I drop Isaac off at school, to see you delight in his classroom and his teacher. To make childcare reservations at the gym so I can get a workout in. I think about our sweet conversations that we would have…just the two of us as we did our day together. The wonder I would see your eyes as we watch the seasons change. The big helper you would be as we would grocery shop together.  I even imagine the fits you would throw when I don’t buy you the candy you wanted or the tired sass I would get if I kept you out too long.

I miss all of that. This morning as it was, just brother and I running out the door to school….I missed it more. When I got in the car after dropping him off, and I was meet with silence and not sweet conversation of our days next steps, the sadness grew.
And I was without you.
And I miss you

My gym time flew by as I simply walked in and grabbed my towel, skipping by the childcare area, moving at any pace I wanted.
And I was without you.
And I miss you.

Grocery shopping was simple and easy, as I had no one asking me for things, or wanting to get it for me, or asking me to look at everything. I took my time as I watched the other mom’s. The ones frazzled by the million questions and squirmy behavior.
And I was without you.
And I miss you.

It’s Thursday daughter and I just want to lean my forehead into yours and breathe you in, as your sweet voice says “i love you momma.”

I really want to love this day. There are so many momma’s out there who have lost their’s, they didn’t get the chance, I have. So I want to be grateful daughter. I want to cherish every moment I get with you. Every chance I can place my head on your forehead and breathe you in. I want to rejoice in what I do have with you. To be content in sharing this earthly place with you.

I promise daughter, I will take my Thursdays back. I will fight for it, the way you have fought to be here. To be with us. You have not given up nor slowed down despite your bodies shortcomings. You have stood up and ran your race. How can I meet that fight with defeat? How can I just stop?

I will find my joy in Thursday again. How could I not?….

Thursdays gave me you.

2 thoughts on “A letter to my daughter,

  1. Beautifully written.My daughter was also born on a Thursday. My wounds are so new, everything is so raw that I feel like I’m always in tears. I hope things get better. Your blog is very inspiring, it gives me hope.

    Thanks,

    Yohanna

    Like

  2. This is just beautiful! I know that feeling of seeing other families doing “normal life” and thinking how easy it is to take that for granted and even get frustrated with the “hassle” of running around town with your kids in tow, and my heart breaking, holding back tears because I would do anything to have that with my sweet girl. And those days…those days make you love her all the more, make you want to be a better mama to her, to let her know that you will do what it takes to spend that time with her.
    Keep going Mama, Gods got this. He’s right there with you, heart breaking for your heartbreak.

    Like

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